Finished in August 2018

Depression Is My Fuel

By Zac Langridge

I like being depressed

Why is that?

Truthfully, I’m not too sure

But I am depressed

And I don’t like it

But I do simultaneously

Because the truth is

I am like a minefield

Any stray steps - any wrong words or messages

Will set me off

And I go to drown

In the painful, gloomy, dark pit of despair

Where I think, and ponder

And brood and let my thoughts stew

Stew into hatred

Overboil into thoughts of rage

Of anger and selfishness

Of death and torture and revenge

I know that it’s not healthy

I know that it’s dangerous

I know that’ll I’m just letting it all build up

Until the explosions start to begin

Which I also know

Will affect myself and all those I know

But why do I want that?

Why do I want to hurt others?

I fantasize about killing people

I fantasize about going rogue

About exploding out at everyone

And attacking, torturing, killing

I imagine my family and friends

All in shock and disbelief

As I unleash the monster that resides inside me

Growing hungrier every day

As it slowly consumes everything

As it feasts on my depression

And grows stronger, deadlier

And brings me ever closer to my apocalypse

Why do I want this?

Why do I want myself to suffer?

Why do I want to inflict suffering on others?

And drown in the black waters of self pity and hatred?

I am a sociopath

A textbook example

And no-one knows

Expect me

I want - need - help

I can get help

But I don’t

I don’t want do

I want to shock, and intimidate

To hurt and inflict damage

To beat and bite

To cut and slice

Depression is my fuel

It’s my source of refuge

My source of dreams and visions

Of my inevitable future self

THE END