Note: Finished writing in June 2017

Teenhood and Emotions Don’t Mix

By Zac Langridge

Swirling in your brain

Encased in your head

A treasure chest of strange invisible things

That we call emotions

As a teenager

We feel rather strange

When it comes to our emotions

One moment we’re glad

The next we’re sad

It’s hard to describe

Just what we feel

As our thoughts swirl around

Like water in a washing machine

Not stopping and relentless

A nightmare

Sometimes we’re happy

And we’ve never felt better

A golden feeling of comfort

And enjoyment and pleasure

That’s hard to explain

But it’s makes you feel safe

And comfortable in the world

But five minutes later

That can change with a single sentence

Where you feel bitter emotions

Like anger, and depression and envy

Where you want to make people understand

That you’re not happy

No matter the consequences

It’s all very confusing

Being a teenager

As you cheer and laugh and grin

Or brood and snarl and sob

You’re emotions churning up

Like an uncontrollable witches’ brew

Which can sometimes love or hate you

It’s an interesting experience

Having feelings like this

When you’re calm and collected

And feel your own version of peace

Or when you’re seething with hatred

And you find some enjoyment out of it

It’s a queer experience being a teen

As when you’re a child or adult

It seems so black and white

Life determined by events and phrases

But when you’re a teenager

A single stray word will set you off

What I’m saying

Is that puberty and emotions don’t mix

Being a teenager is confusing and sometimes awful

And I sometimes can’t wait for it to be over

But other times it’s fine

And I don’t want anything to change

Everyone says we’re lucky to be teens

However I mostly disagree

I’d sometimes rather have a job and be an adult sooner

Then be looked down upon

And have the world spinning around me

With harsh reality twisting my mind into a pretzel

A never ending one

From which I feel no escapism sometimes

It won’t last forever

And I know that I’m getting older

But sometimes I appreciate this mess

And I want it to stay

But you see, I’ve made my point

Because my opinion is really mixed

But I mostly believe that

Emotions and teenhood are an awful mix

And I’m glad it’s good and bad

Note: Originally finished on June 19th, 2017

Willing Murderer

By Zac Langridge

I am cold and vicious 

I am dangerous and silent

I hunger for violence and lust for blood

I crave screams and I drench myself in fear 

It’s exhilarating and fun

And it’s how I survive

I kill, steal, and then run 

It’s my life

I was once hesitant and fearful

Now I make others hesitant, and I give out fear

It’s lovely and fun, feeling the anguish of others

It’s my life

It’s risky, but it’s who I am

I love the slick feeling of the knife

The angular shapes of a gun

The pulsing feel of someone’s throat, just waiting to be crushed

People call me a psycho

People want to lock me up

People wish I was different

Which is good

Because they fear me

I am the very definition of violence

I am malicious

Unforgiving

Dangerous without cause, apparently

That’s what they think

Is that really so?

Because, each time I strike

My childhood strikes out with me

They called me emotional

They called me weak

My demons, my “family”, my “friends”

They ripped me apart

They made me feel small

Now they feel small

And I feel tall

They treated me like nothing

The world is a tumble drier of uncaring human beings

So I don’t care when I kill

My young life was like death

And when I look around

I see caring loving people

Who haven’t experienced anything like it

So I feel glee and satisfaction 

When I kill and murder

When I shoot and stab

When I wire and activate

The world treated me like nothing

So why shouldn’t I treat others the same way?

I am a willing murderer

The worst kind there is

The kind who loves revenge and death

The kind who delights in slicing flesh

Understand this

I didn’t have to be this way

The world treated me badly

So I’ll treat it the same

If humans were kinder

I would have turned out better

But it’s too late for any of that now

This is just who I am!

Note: Originally written sometime in 2016. This was the only piece I had published in the writing club booklet that year.

The Fireplace

By Zac Langridge

It sits in the center of the wall

Magnificent, carved shapes in it’s strong framing

The centerpiece of attention, located in the ideal spot

Neither an eyesore, nor something of sheer beauty

Perfect

In its center rests a log

A symbol of a tree, once proud, now fallen

The log delivers heat, warming the room, comforting the cold

The glow spreads out from it

Warm

Calm, yet dangerous if touched

Like a rose thorn

The soft crackling fills the room

As I crouch down to warm my freezing hands

I watch the yellow fingers of matter

Curl upward and disappear

Like mysteries, waiting to be solved

I sit there, and let the heat calm me….

To sleep……...

Hi all. My name's Zac Langridge.
You may know me in real life and have met me in person, or you may know me from my two Youtube channels (links here and here). Or you may not know me at all, and have simply stumbled across this blog purely by chance.

Frankly it's about time I created a blog like this. I've always loved reading, and have made my way through many books over the years. My bookshelf is practically full, as I love stories - be it those on paper or onscreen. Writing has always been one of my greatest strengths, and I've always loved being creative and unique with my work. From what I remember, in my primary and intermediate schools, my writing was always about characters being put into bizarre and outlandish (often intense) scenarios. One particular story I remember fondly is one where my character was forced to run from his home (due to an unexplained gunfight going on in his street), and runs far away into the woods where he falls into a deep pit, and has to crawl through a narrow tunnel to the surface - nearly getting stuck and suffocating as he does. It was pretty absurd, looking back at it.
As the years have gone by though, and I've moved into high-school, my writing has become less narrative/action driven and more personal/emotional. I feel that this was largely driven by my feelings and emotional reactions to events going on around me, and around the world at the time. It changed me as a person, and I feel that my writing really matured as a went through high-school. It became more meaningful, and much of it was based around emotions - me attempting to put my sonic experiences and indescribable feelings inside my brain into tangible, readable words that people could understand. I would often write about ideas that appealed to me personally, things that made my brain light up like a Christmas tree, and create ideas with the fluidity of liquid and (hopefully) the absence of writers block and procrastination (the worst things ever for someone who loves writing!).

For the first three years of high-school, I was a member of a writing club, which was the best in-school activity I joined outside of classes. Not only was the atmosphere positive, inspiring and encouraging, but it really pushed me to continue writing and follow my passion alongside my fellow members. When the 2016 writing club booklet was released, and I'd only written one piece throughout the whole year (terrible, I know!), I swore to myself that I'd write more. And with that, I poured my effort into becoming as inspired as possible, and writing as many pieces for the booklets in the following two years. My portfolio ballooned to seven pieces of writing in 2017, and five in 2018.
At the end of 2018, the wonderful teacher who headed up the club retired, and a new writing club was never established. However, despite this, I still continued to write as if I was writing for that club. I tried to keep my writing as personal and polished as possible, as if it was still going to be published in a booklet at the end of the year for everybody to see. Throughout 2019, I've managed to start writing numerous pieces - some of them I completed, some of them are still unfinished as of writing this, and some of the pieces were unfinished ones from the previous year that I decided to revisit. It was very therapeutic to do so, however I had no place to publish my work. I had a growing portfolio of work that was building up, unread by nobody but myself. And as the year went on, I knew I wanted to publish it somewhere online for people to see.

So, after months of procrastination, I finally made this blog. I'm writing this intro on the 26th of October, 2019. In a few weeks time I will be sitting my exams for Level 2 NCEA, and then after that it will be Christmas, and then the beginning of a new decade. Then my final year of high-school. Then the unknown.
My goal is to continue writing throughout my life, and eventually write a novel. However that goal won't realize itself. This blog will be there for me to persuade me to continue writing, and to encourage me to keep going, no matter what. If my writing remains unpublished and hidden away on my computer, there will be no pressure for me to continue. However, if someone happens to see my work, and possibly even decides to follow my blog, then that feeling of awareness and expectancy from another person will give me another reason to keep persisting with my goal.

Hopefully this intro wasn't too pretentious! Thanks for reading, and I hope you find my writing interesting, entertaining or enlightening in some way.